Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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