worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
