Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
