me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
