i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
this is an emotional support booty call
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
