Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
