And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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