Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
