Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
