I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
