I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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