I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
