the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
