remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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