so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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