Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
