For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
