dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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