my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if only i could text you this smell
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
