He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
