Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
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