i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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