my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
