I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
