i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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