Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
