I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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