everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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