Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
