i think my mom watched the whole time
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
