my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
