mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
