yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
