it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
