I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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