You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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