fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
