I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I forget how to act sober
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
