I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
