So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
