He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
