im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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