You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
