The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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