i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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