have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
