thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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