when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Of course I have a pirate flag
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
