I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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