My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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