Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
