I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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