Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
