Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
