Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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