In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
