i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
